"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time."

-Thomas Merton

A few words for you.

I wish you knew that I don't mind if I have to say goodbye later on, if it means I get to be with you now. And you say to me, "It's best for you." But I wish you would let me decide for myself what I need right now. Cause at this moment, all I know is that I have never felt this way before and I have never felt the pain of having to ignore that feeling. I don't want to pretend that I'm moving on anymore. Cause I'm not.

A true story.

-Doctor, doctor! We're loosing the patient!
-Nurse! Pass me the knife!
Doctor spreads Becel generously over the slightly cooled toast
-He's loosing heat fast!
Nurse picks up the buttered toast and puts it back in the toaster and pushes down the lever
-CLEAR!
Nurse pops lever back up with extreme force sending the toast sifting though the air
Doctor spreads Smucker's generously over the re-heated toast
The two shake hands
-Congratulations on a successful operation doctor.

I take a big bite of the delicious toast and marvel at my wonderful use of time.
I love you best friend [=

Lately

Alright folks! (Which I think lately has been reduced to Trevor and occasionally Janine?) I would like to inform you that I have not forgotten about you! I simply have been doing my writing offline lately. I have been healing through art just as I have always done, just nothing has made it onto my blog in the past couple weeks. I do not know why this is but I do know that for some strange reason there is meaning behind it. I guess some healing is just meant ot be kept to yourself and not known to the entire world should they choose to view it.
*
If you know me well, then you are aware of the things that have been going on in my life lately. At first when everything was dumped on me over the period of only a few short days, the only thing I could think of was, 'Why the hell is all this happening to me at once? Do I not get a breather? No heal time between doeses?" And then I thought about it, and as suckish as everything is, I'm glad it all happened when it did. Why drag it out and have one terrible thing happen, then just as I begin to heal throw another at me and tear me down all over again?

These last few days have really shown me who in my life is really worth keeping around. Who is there to talk when I need someone and who approaches me knowingly, with out me even having to say a word. I think I needed this down time to see for real who's available. I know now that there are a few people I have hopelessly been trying to hold onto, and as I attempt to reconnect with them now, they have only shown me that I just need to let go and focus all of my attention on those that are making an effort in my life.

Things have been looking brighter lately and I have recently filled my life with an abundance of new people that seem to come from a world where the sun is right here on earth and who you are is the greatest thing you have to give. In otherwords, they are very happy, upbeat, outgoing people and I am overly greatfull to have them in my life. One inpreticular stands out in the group and he has unknowingly encouraged me to be cheerful and to always be myself. Whick I have been putting more effort towards lately. I'm getting very sick of hiding and I'm ready to show whoever's watching just who I really am.

My life in these last few weeks has been more filled with friends and activity than ever before and even when I'm on my own I have been more motivated than I have in a while. Things are getting done and it has given me a great feeling of pride and accomplishment.

Also work lately has been a weird source of my happiness. I always love my job.. well 95% of the days, but recently, I have been leaving after my shift with a very warm feeling of acceptance. Maybe I'm just realizing it more now, or maybe the connections and relationships with co-workers have grown stronger recently. Either way, I leave work feeling like I am just as much a part of their family as their own siblings. Weird? Doesn't matter if it is, I really like it and it makes me look forward to work everyday.

So that's a wrap up of my life lately, sorry I haven't been more revealing. Thank you to those of you who actually take the time to check up on me through my blog.
And I am very curious to know just who that is so even if you have absolutely nothing to say to this post, please leave a comment, even if it's just one of these do dads --> ~ @ $ * so that I can get a head count [= Thanks all.

(P.S. Spell check is down, hugely pet peeving me, so I apologize for any errors.)

I guess being head over heals, crazy about you isn't quite enough to cut it these days.

I wish I could change your mind.

Michaud, you had a beautiful funeral, with over 1000 loving individuals, and you should count every tear that fell for you tonight as 10 000 amazing memories and warm thoughts of you.

Rest in peace, you are a very loved soul.

He's looking down on us all right now, while the tears roll down a thousand cheeks, and he's smiling. He's even chuckling a little on the inside. Because he knows. He knows that soon, this teeny tiny little tid bit of time that we here call life, is going to end for us too someday. And then we will be up there as well, spending the rest of eternity right beside him. Rest in peace Michaud. I'll see you again soon. [=

xxo

I felt so good all day, until you made the tears fall, and now I'm a wreck. But all you had to do was say you were sorry and I believed you and knew that you cared. It scares me how trusting I am of you, but I'm too crazy about you to let fear get in the way.

First love ♥

The other day in Wal-Mart, I overheard a mother say to her little boy, around the age of 6 or 7, "You're much too young to be worrying about girls."
the little boy responded to her with this. Remember he's 6.
"But mom, she's the one! Every time I see her, the angels sing!"
I almost melted!

Lifestyle of the headstrong and unmotivated.

I go to bed every night with a warm glow and

a smiling heart, but each following morning, I awake

to a false ambition and empty inspirations.

New years resolutions.

So I have been neglecting my computer a lot lately. Any thing that can't be done over my phone doesn't really get done cause this idiot of a lap top is about as fast as a dead turtle.. Anyways I have had lots to write about and lots of collaborations to post and I'm starting to get impatient with myself and my lack of impatiens so I will suck it up and start using my computer again and try to keep my cool as it takes hours upon hours to do anything, just for you guys!! My New Years resolution this year was to start spending no more than 200 dollars a months and save the rest. It's the 8th and I've already failed. But I've got a whole other two and a half months till I leave for Europe due to so rescheduling not on my end. So I figure I can give myself a bit of a grace period. Also I would like to be more patient and less cranky towards my parents, and finally, I am going to try to stop biting my nails.. again.
Lately things have been very bitter sweet for me. I got a new boy in my life and for the first time, I actually feel like this is someone I am meant to be with. All my other relationships have held doubt. Concerns or fears or just something didn't feel quite right. And that's possibly why I have been such a failure at dating. In fear of my old dating habits re-surfacing, I declined his first invitation to be his girlfriend about a month and a half ago. But we still hung out and when he asked again, I was more than ready. This one is way different and I am very happy. I am very comfortable with being 100% who I am around him and I don't feel shy about saying what I'm truly like around him. We share a lot of similar interests and I can really feel myself smiling from the inside out which hasn't happened in a while. But at the same time, while that's going so well, I have been fighting a lot lately with my family and I don't really feel at home in my own house anymore. Also, the passing of Michaud, for those of you who have heard, really hit home for me, even though we were not close. When I first heard the news it didn't really sink in. It was hard to hear and a struggle to wrap my head around but it wasn't until today, when I stepped into my bath and then out again quickly that I shed my first tears. There I was, unhappy because my bath water was too hot, when this well loved boy had to pass on without any good byes due to the cold. Ridiculous I know, to think of that but that's how my mind works. Also, friends that I have lost touch with lately are reappearing in my life lately and I showed me how much I have been neglecting lately which is both a good and a bad feeling of realization. I think mostly what I need to start doing is committing myself more all round in everything I do.
Anyways, hopefully I keep up on these new resolutions. I'm adding in there to post a blog AT LEAST once a week. I have a lot of drafts ready to post so you can be expecting. I missed you all!